Fictional Cinema Snob episodes/Whodunnit? A Share a Story Musical Mystery

Transcript

 * The Snob: Wonder what happened when PBS Kids decided to throw all it's characters and personalities at the big screen for the first, and last, time? Boom! Critics hated it but audiences liked it on Rotten Tomatoes! A Razzie nomination! Dennis Anderson was in a PBS Kids movie again! Cinema Snob episode!
 * (Title card continues from then on 'till the Snob reappears)
 * The Snob: Wait, I already used that joke in the Bionicle: The Next Generation review! Nevermind, this film is bad enough already. (Takes the DVD out of his jacket sleeve) And this has box cover reviews... again!
 * (Cut to the box cover reviews)
 * The Snob: This is a newer copy from, like, 2017, which I found in a bargain bin, and we already have a goddamn Dove review! What's this said by Amy Tan? "This movie is the one your kids should see to help them learn about reading." God damn it Amy! You already had a PBS movie and at least that one was decent!
 * (Cut to the Snob holding the DVD)
 * The Snob: It least it isn't as divisive as her Twitter feed.
 * (Bushwhacked stinger)
 * (Cut back to the box cover reviews)
 * The Snob: The movie was reviewed so bad, they ran out of film critics, notable authors, and folks involved in production to review it, so here's a quote from one of the characters! "This movie was such a fun journey!" says Sagwa, cause of course she'd say that, she is to Dora the Explorer what Saturday the 14th was to Friday the 13th!
 * (Cut to the Rotten Tomatoes page)
 * The Snob: And look, one of the very few positive remarks on Rotten Tomatoes was possibly left by a special ed teacher!
 * (Samuel Goldwyn Films logo appears)
 * The Snob: Due to this film's "success", I'm highly certain this, Zoom! into a Musical Mystery, and Saving Christmas are in the same universe.
 * (PBS Kids Movies "Doink! Button" logo appears)
 * The Snob: And it's fitting enough that the PBS Kids Boy and Girl are trying to kill each other with shapeshifting powers...
 * (Cut to Digit, Zak and Wheezie, some kids, and They Might Be Giants at a Tower Records)
 * Digit: Hey kids! I'm Digit from Cyberchase, and this is Zak and Wheezie from Dragon Tales!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: I'm not calling you Digit! You're This Ain't Iago, A Triple X Character Parody!
 * (Cut to the kids, Digit, Zak and Wheezie, and TMBG talking)
 * The Snob: They talk about the mission of the Share A Story campaign and what it intends to have kids ready to do.
 * (Cut to the opening dance number)
 * TMBG: Share A Story (2x), come on!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: HOW ARE YOU PLAYING? Your instruments aren't even plugged in!
 * (Credits play over the dance number)
 * The Snob: And it's nice enough that this was based off a promotional campaign for PBS Kids, and- wait a minute, RINAVA? What the f*** are they doing here? Also, I'm glad to know that the animated characters had their animation done by a rejected Nick Jr. pilot! And- wait, Alan Smithee? What is he doing here as the co-writer along with Family Guy writer Cherry Cheva? Alright, well Alan was used here as a pseudonym for then-Corporation for Public Broadcasting chairman of the board Kenneth Tomlinson, who is also credited as an executive producer, and given Kenneth is more known for trying to turn PBS into This Ain't Fox News, A Triple X TV Channel Parody, I guess he knew what he was doing! However, Cherry Cheva writing this movie is like a writer for The Simpsons writing an episode of Blue's Clues, but would explain the scene where Arthur Read gets in a bloody fight with a giant chicken. The film was directed by Robert Alvarez, better known for working as an animation director and timer on practically every Cartoon Network original series ever.
 * (Cut to the dance number finishing)
 * The Snob: And then Jeff from Rock It's Your Decision came and tried to warn them of the evils of rock music, only to be struck down and killed by a passing motorist who was just trying to get to work, given that everyone was pogoing in the middle of the god-damn road!
 * (Cut to the Barnaby B. Busterfield III Library, where Theo Lion is helping Elmo read a book)
 * The Snob: Meanwhile at the most annoying McDonald's I've ever been to, some furry is trying to help Elmo work on his reading skills!
 * Theo Lion: You see, Sagwa changed a rule, thought she made a mistake, but it turned out all good in the end!
 * Elmo: Wow! Elmo like this!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: You're not Elmo! You're Charles von Fitzdingle!
 * (Cut to Elmo and Theo staring at the book)
 * The Snob: What in God's name could even happen next?
 * (Sagwa pops out of the book)
 * Sagwa: Ni hao Elmo! Ni hao Theo!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: How the f*** did Sagwa get out of that book?
 * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, and Sheegwa joining Elmo and Theo Lion in the "Best Friends Dance" musical number, and then Richard Quickster arriving at the library)
 * The Snob: Sagwa's siblings Dongwa and Sheegwa come out of the book as well to join Elmo and the MGM logo in a musical number. But uh-oh, a villain shows up!
 * Richard Quickster: Aha! I, Richard Quickster, shall cause a mystery... and a crime! I shall steal several books from this lame library, and lay riddles around the world! HAHAHAHA!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Holy s*** it's John Oliver! And also, you should have internalized that thought, the bystanders and library staff probably heard you, that is if they can understand British humor.
 * (Cut to Richard Quickster entering the library, then him stealing the books)
 * The Snob: Careful Johnny, you might need a better agent if you wind up in another thing like this, like The Smurfs. Richard Quickster is the name of the villain, because Bob Illiterate would be too obvious! He's deciding to steal some books and lay riddles around the world... or around Ontario, they don't state where this is even taking place.
 * (Cut to Richard using his Riddle-Layer 9000 to lay down the riddles)
 * Richard Quickster: Now, to lay down the riddles with my Riddle-Layer 9000! Aha!
 * (Cut back to the Snob, this time with Lloyd and Chloe)
 * The Snob: What is with Richard and him shouting his evil plans at people- wait, Lloyd and Chloe weren't here before! Maybe you kitties are riddles, aren't ya?
 * Lloyd: *meows*
 * (Cut to Theo, the Miao siblings, and Elmo)
 * Dongwa: Uh Theo... the copy of Pinduli is missing!
 * The Snob: *overdubbing Dongwa* I think a furry is responsible!
 * (Cut back to the Snob and his cats, this time with Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: That should be a logical explanation... wait a minute, Black Willy Wonka? What are you doing here, you're supposed to be playing second fiddle to Doug's Pokemon bashing!
 * Black Willy Wonka: I just came because I was teleported here in between movie clips.
 * The Snob: ...Why?
 * (Cut to the Miao siblings looking through the library)
 * Sagwa: Dongwa! Pinduli wasn't the only book stolen, not only has that vanished from the shelves, but also Click, Clack, Moo, If I Ran the Zoo, The Emperor and the Kite, two The Boxcar Children books, and (turns to and looks at the camera) The Joy Luck Club.
 * (Cut back to the Snob, his cats, and Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: I get it, Amy Tan created both Sagwa and The Joy Luck Club! She's your mom!
 * Black Willy Wonka: Doesn't Sagwa have a mom in-universe?
 * The Snob: I KNOW!
 * (Cut to the montage of the PBS Kids superstars heading to the library)
 * The Snob: The rest of our PBS Kids are here to help solve this mystery. In fact, why did you contact all of them and have them rush over to the library to find missing books, you should have hired Sherlock Hemlock and called it a day, he's right f***ing there on Sesame Street in the background! Also, Maya and Miguel are on their way to the library, but first they need to drive past the opening credits to If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?
 * (Cut to Shing Ying drinking a Bubble Gum Shasta Short as the Zoomers arrive at the library)
 * The Snob: Coming up next on Brad Tries, Brad drinks some 14-year old Shasta Shortz and dies.
 * Kyle: Hey Shing Ying, I wanna drink some!
 * Shing Ying: *groans* Buy your own Kyle!
 * Theo Lion: Oh! The Zoomers!
 * Sagwa: You came!
 * (Cut back to the Snob with his cats, but minus Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: You're in a PBS Kids Movie! Not a commercial for Shasta! Wait, Black Willy Wonka's gone!