Fictional Cinema Snob episodes/Whodunnit? A Share a Story Musical Mystery

Transcript

 * The Snob: Wonder what happened when PBS Kids decided to throw all it's characters and personalities at the big screen for the first, and last, time? Boom! Critics hated it but audiences liked it on Rotten Tomatoes! 34 out of 100! 4.5 of 10! That f***ing Venezuelan guy was in a PBS Kids movie again! Cinema Snob episode!
 * (Title card continues from then on 'till the Snob reappears)
 * The Snob: Wait, I already used that joke in the Bionicle: The Next Generation review! Nevermind, this film is bad enough already. (Takes the DVD out of his jacket sleeve) And this has box cover reviews... again!
 * (Cut to the box cover reviews)
 * The Snob: This is a newer copy from, like, 2017, which I found in a bargain bin, and we already have a goddamn Dove review! What's this said by Amy Tan? "This movie is the one your kids should see to help them learn about reading." God damn it Amy! You already had a PBS movie and at least that one was decent!
 * (Cut to the Snob holding the DVD)
 * The Snob: It least it isn't as divisive as her Twitter feed.
 * (Bushwhacked stinger)
 * (Cut back to the box cover reviews)
 * The Snob: The movie was reviewed so bad, they ran out of film critics, notable authors, and folks involved in production to review it, so here's a quote from one of the characters! "This movie was such a fun journey!" says Sagwa, cause of course she'd say that, she was probably out of her f***ing mind!
 * (Cut to the Rotten Tomatoes page)
 * The Snob: And look, one of the very few positive remarks on Rotten Tomatoes was possibly left by a special ed teacher!
 * (Samuel Goldwyn Films logo appears)
 * The Snob: Due to this film's "success", I'm highly certain this, Zoom! into a Musical Mystery, and Saving Christmas are in the same universe.
 * (PBS Kids Movies "Doink! Button" logo appears)
 * The Snob: And it's fitting enough that the PBS Kids Boy and Girl are trying to kill each other with shapeshifting powers...
 * (Cut to Digit, Zak and Wheezie, some kids, and They Might Be Giants at a Tower Records)
 * Digit: Hey kids! I'm Digit from Cyberchase, and this is Zak and Wheezie from Dragon Tales!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: I'm not calling you Digit! You're This Ain't Iago, A Triple X Character Parody!
 * (Cut to the kids, Digit, Zak and Wheezie, and TMBG talking)
 * The Snob: They talk about the mission of the Share A Story campaign and what it intends to have kids ready to do.
 * (Cut to the opening dance number)
 * TMBG: Share A Story (2x), come on!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: HOW ARE YOU PLAYING? Your instruments aren't even plugged in!
 * (Credits play over the dance number)
 * The Snob: And it's nice enough that this was based off a promotional campaign for PBS Kids, and- wait a minute, RINAVA? What the f*** are they doing here? Also, I'm glad to know that the animated characters had their animation done by a rejected Nick Jr. pilot! And- wait, Alan Smithee? What is he doing here as the co-writer along with Family Guy writer Cherry Cheva? Alright, well Alan was used here as a pseudonym for then-Corporation for Public Broadcasting chairman of the board Kenneth Tomlinson, who is also credited as an executive producer, and given Kenneth is more known for trying to turn PBS into Fox News, I guess he knew what he was doing!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: However, Cherry Cheva writing this movie is like a writer for The Simpsons writing an episode of Blue's Clues! But, this connection would explain the scene where Arthur Read gets in a bloody fight with a giant chicken.
 * (Credits continue to play)
 * The Snob: The film was directed by Robert Alvarez, better known for working as an animation director and timer on practically every Cartoon Network original series ever. And if this and Teen Titans Go! are not in the same universe, I'd get more subscribers who want to f*** the Mysterious Mr. Enter!
 * (Cut to the dance number finishing)
 * The Snob: And then Jeff from Rock It's Your Decision came and tried to warn them of the evils of rock music, only to be struck down and killed by a passing motorist who was just trying to get to work, given that everyone was pogoing in the middle of the god-damn road!
 * (Cut to the Barnaby B. Busterfield III Library, where Theo Lion is helping Elmo read a book)
 * The Snob: Meanwhile at the most annoying McDonald's I've ever been to, some furry is trying to help Elmo work on his reading skills!
 * Theo Lion: You see, Sagwa changed a rule, thought she made a mistake, but it turned out all good in the end!
 * Elmo: Wow! Elmo like this!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: I'm not calling you Elmo! You're Charles von Fitzdingle!
 * (Cut to Elmo and Theo staring at the book)
 * The Snob: What in God's name could even happen next?
 * (Sagwa pops out of the book)
 * Sagwa: Ni hao Elmo! Ni hao Theo!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: How the f*** did Sagwa get out of that book?
 * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, and Sheegwa joining Elmo and Theo Lion in the "Best Friends Dance" musical number, and then Richard Quickster arriving at the library)
 * The Snob: Sagwa's siblings Dongwa and Sheegwa come out of the book as well to join Elmo and the MGM logo in a musical number which involves attempting to recreate the dance numbers from Playmate of the Apes. But uh-oh, a villain shows up!
 * Richard Quickster: Aha! I, Richard Quickster, shall cause a mystery... and a crime! I shall steal several books from this lame library, and lay riddles around the world! HAHAHAHA!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Holy s*** it's John Oliver! And also, you should have internalized that thought, the bystanders and library staff probably heard you, that is if they can understand British humor.
 * (Cut to Richard Quickster entering the library, then him stealing the books)
 * The Snob: Careful Johnny, you might need a better agent if you wind up in another thing like this, like The Smurfs. Richard Quickster is the name of the villain, because Paul Illiterate would be too obvious! He's deciding to steal some books and lay riddles around the world... or around Ontario, they don't state where this is even taking place.
 * (Cut to Richard using his Riddle-Layer 9000 to lay down the riddles)
 * Richard Quickster: Now, to lay down the riddles with my Riddle-Layer 9000! Aha!
 * (Cut back to the Snob, this time with Lloyd and Chloe sitting on his chair's armrest and in his lap respectively)
 * The Snob: What is with Richard and him shouting his evil plans at people- wait, Lloyd and Chloe weren't here before! Maybe you kitties are riddles, aren't ya?
 * Lloyd: *meows*
 * (Cut to Theo, the Miao siblings, and Elmo)
 * Dongwa: Uh Theo... the copy of Pinduli is missing!
 * The Snob: *overdubbing Dongwa* I think a furry is responsible!
 * (Cut back to the Snob and his cats, this time with Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: That should be a logical explanation... wait a minute, Black Willy Wonka? What are you doing here, you're supposed to be playing second fiddle to Doug's Pokemon bashing!
 * Black Willy Wonka: I just came because I was teleported here in between movie clips.
 * The Snob: ...Why?
 * (Cut to the Miao siblings looking through the library)
 * Sagwa: Dongwa! Pinduli wasn't the only book stolen, not only has that vanished from the shelves, but also Click, Clack, Moo, If I Ran the Zoo, The Emperor and the Kite, two The Boxcar Children books, and (turns to and looks at the camera) The Joy Luck Club.
 * (Cut back to the Snob, his cats, and Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: I get it, Amy Tan created both Sagwa and The Joy Luck Club! She's your mom!
 * Black Willy Wonka: Doesn't Sagwa have a mom in-universe?
 * The Snob: I KNOW!
 * (Cut to the montage of the PBS Kids superstars heading to the library)
 * The Snob: The rest of our PBS Kids "stars" are here to help solve this mystery. In fact, why did you contact all of them and have them rush over to the library to find missing books, you should have hired Sherlock Hemlock and called it a day, he's right f***ing there on Sesame Street in the background! Also, Maya and Miguel are on their way to the library by way of a forest in rural Ontario, but first they need to drive past the opening credits to If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?
 * (Cut to Shing Ying drinking a Bubble Gum Shasta Short as the Zoomers arrive at the library)
 * The Snob: Coming up next on Brad Tries, Brad tries some 14-year old Shasta Shortz and f***ing dies.
 * Kyle: Hey Shing Ying, I wanna drink some!
 * Shing Ying: *groans* Buy your own Kyle!
 * Theo Lion: Oh! The Zoomers!
 * Sagwa: You came!
 * (Cut back to the Snob with his cats, but minus Black Willy Wonka)
 * The Snob: You're in a PBS Kids Movie! Not a commercial for Shasta! Wait a second, Black Willy Wonka's gone!
 * (Cut to Sagwa, Fu-Fu, Shing Ying, and Baby Bop walking into a concert)
 * The Snob: Four of our supposed heroes walk into a concert hall, and meet some awesome folks...
 * ("Hot Star" from Driller: A Sexual Thriller plays briefly)
 * The Snob: Yeah-, wait, what? Show me the actual band that played!
 * (Cut to They Might Be Giants performing "The Statue Got Me High")
 * The Snob: They Might Be Giants reappear and perform one of the only few non-Rinava songs you'll ever hear in this movie! And if they have such a huge following, then why are they playing in an old airplane hangar at an abandoned Air Force base with tarps covering the planes' entrance? Oh, and security is tight!
 * (Cut to a girl in the audience)
 * Girl: PARTICLE MAN! PLAY PARTICLE MAN!
 * (A security guard tackles the girl back into her seat)
 * Security Guard: Hey-hey-hey! Stop that! URGH! Shut up! STAY PUT!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: The security at Gwar's concerts got way lazier over time!
 * (Cut to TMBG performing "Share A Story" with Fu-Fu)
 * The Snob: And then Fu-Fu was invited onstage to perform "Share A Story" with them! AGAIN!
 * Fu-Fu and John Flansburgh: Hey kids and parents, try to listen and see! There's so much to write and so much to read! You can draw, sing and read aloud too! There's so much to rhyme that we don't know what to do!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Eddie Murphy's "Boogie In Your Butt" number got way lazier over time-, wait I already used a joke like that like one clip ago!
 * (Cut to the audience dancing to "Share A Story")
 * The Snob: *in a mocking "director" voice* Alright audience, dance like you're being directed by a 55-year old man!
 * (Cut to fog machines going off and the crowd dancing in the fog)
 * The Snob: And then some rednecks rolled coal on the audience from a diesel truck powered entirely by liquefied white chocolate.
 * (Cut back to Fu-Fu and TMBG singing)
 * Fu-Fu: Open the book!
 * John Linnell: Read it out loud!
 * John Linnell and Fu-Fu: Share the world inside the word!
 * (audience cheering)
 * The Snob: *in a mocking "announcer" video* Alright, let's give it up for Bluellaluna and the guys who sung "Particle Man"!
 * (commercial break)
 * (Cut to TMBG performing "Ana Ng" with Sagwa and Fu-Fu and then the Johns talking with Sagwa)
 * The Snob: However, the producers had They Might Be Giants booked for an extra two hours so they get to perform one more song before we get to their hints to the mystery.
 * John Linnell: If you need to solve the riddles, just use the ways we talked about in "Share A Story": act it, draw it, sing it, or share the world inside the word!
 * John Flansburgh: It's a great idea in fact.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: The makers of this movie surely didn't listen to the song!
 * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, Sheegwa, the Zoomers, Zak and Wheezie, Digit, Felipe Ortega, and Theo Lion meeting up and walking onto an old airport runway)
 * The Snob: Sagwa and Shing Ying then leave to meet up with their friends outside the old hangar.
 * Sagwa: What's that noise?
 * Felipe Ortega: Ah nothin'! Just an old friend of mine!
 * Digit: He's got a lot of horsepower in his Chevy big block!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: What? Oh no, this is gonna get really blown and alcohol-injected!
 * (Cut to Grave Digger jumping a fence into the area, and performing donuts)
 * Sheegwa: Wow!
 * Dongwa: Cool!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: What the f*** is Dennis Anderson doing here! I don't see a Monster Jam event, or another one of these god-damned movies, for miles!
 * (Cut to Dennis Anderson getting out and talking to the gang)
 * Dennis Anderson: Hey kids!
 * Sagwa: Ni hao Dennis!
 * Dongwa: Hiya!
 * Dennis Anderson: I heard you guys got a little problem.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: JUST F***ING CALL SHERLOCK HOUND AND CALL IT A DAY! HE'D FIT IN PERFECTLY WITH THE FURRIES ON PBS KIDS' SHOWS!
 * (As the Snob says Sherlock Hound's name, we see a photo of him )
 * (Cut to the "Finding Out (About It All)" music number)
 * The Snob: The only thing worse than Sagwa singing about a pointless mystery, is hearing Dennis Anderson rap!
 * (Cut to Nai-Nai and Arthur Read looking for the books in a Victorian-era theme park)
 * The Snob: Meanwhile in the Toronto Distillery District, Nai-Nai and Arthur discuss how to find the books.
 * Nai-Nai: I know about this Richard Quickster guy! When I was a young kitten in my Qing Dynasty China, he came and stole some scrolls, and we had to call in a British explorer to help solve the riddle.
 * Arthur Read: I don't know where he is! He could be anywhere. Even here!
 * (Richard Quickster appears)
 * Richard Quickster: Aha! A victim of my crimes! I knew one of them was around here somewhere.
 * Nai-Nai: *gasps* It's him!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Was he seriously waiting around the corner for someone to mention his previous crimes?
 * (Cut to Nai-Nai, Arthur, and Richard Quickster singing "Mood vs. Mood!" whilst dance-fighting each other)
 * The Snob: God damn it, now we have dance fighting!
 * (Cut to Sagwa and Dongwa visiting the beach with Theo Lion)
 * The Snob: Theo brings Si and Am-err I mean Sagwa and Nai-Nai's secret boyfriend and incestual affair partner to the beach, and guess who they meet?
 * (The Beaver Boys theme from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! plays briefly before the Snob reappears)
 * The Snob: Yeah-, wait, what? That's not who they met! Show me who they actually met!
 * (Cut to R. Lee Ermey training his "Battle Battalion", and then him conversing with Sagwa, Dongwa, and Theo)
 * The Snob: They meet R. Lee f***ing Ermey training these extras dressed as people from a Armed Forces-themed night at a gay bar, and then he advises them on finding the books yadda dadda dadda... onto the next scene!
 * (Cut to Chuck Norris meeting up with Zak and Wheezie)
 * The Snob: And what the f*** is Chuck Norris doing here?
 * (Cut to Dongwa singing "Suck It Up")
 * The Snob: And then Dongwa arrives and sings about that one time the Nostalgia Critic hurt a Pokemon cosplayer's feelings.
 * (Cut to Richard Quickster running away from Bert and Ernie)
 * Bert: Come back here Richard!
 * Richard Quickster: NEVER! Ha-ha!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Also I don't think the cameraman can run very fast!
 * (Cut to Sheegwa moping around and then her singing "My Collar (I'm Just Little)")
 * The Snob: And Sheegwa's a crybaby, and then she sings about her problems, only to be interrupted by Mockbuster Kermit the Frog, the MGM logo, and Dongwa rapping. I'm not joking about this!
 * (Cut to Dongwa and Shing Ying playing hockey whilst singing "I'm Better Than You", and then finding three of the riddles)
 * The Snob: Then Dongwa and Shing Ying sing about competition, and find three riddles. What fun.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: And then Dongwa goes to the park with Nai-Nai... and guess what happens.
 * (Cut to Dongwa and Nai-Nai in the park)
 * Dongwa: Nai-Nai... I love you.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: This scene isn't worthy of a "And then they bang" one-liner!
 * (Cut to Dongwa and Nai-Nai singing "Don't Be Cruel")
 * The Snob: And then they sing a cover of a Drexel "The Dream" Hemsley song!
 * (Cut to Shing Ying and the Brain walking through the park discussing ideas to how to find more riddles to locate the rest of the books)
 * The Snob: Then we see Shing Ying and the smart guy from Arthur talking about riddles and stuff.
 * (Cut to Ben Feld and Tubby Fenders meeting with Cleo Lion)
 * The Snob: And even the cast of Marci X are in this!
 * (Cut to our heroes entering the bad movie award ceremony)
 * The Snob: *imitating Dongwa* Dangit, we're never gonna find him in here, especially when the M.C. is, no joke, played by Freddy Kruger himself Robert Englund, how will we-
 * (Cut to Richard Quickster turning around to see our heroes)
 * The Snob: *imitating Dongwa* Oh wait, there he is!
 * (Cut to our heroes battling Richard Quickster)
 * The Snob: Good news, our heroes still can dance fight!
 * (Cut to Richard Quickster admitting why he did the crimes)
 * The Snob: And Richard finally breaks down and admits why did the crimes.
 * Richard Quickster: All I wanted was to have friends.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Skip it!
 * (Cut to Marco and Macy Quickster arriving)
 * The Snob: Also Ricardo Montalban and Ali MacGraw are in this, so time for a ending dance number!
 * (Cut to our heroes holding a dance party with all the celebrities and other characters who appeared and some kids)
 * The Snob: Also they wasted the PBS national budget by putting on an outdoor pilot episode for a reboot of Graffiti Rock!
 * (Cut to Digit introducing Bomfunk MC's)
 * Digit: Let's welcome the Bomfunk MC's!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Yay...
 * (Cut to Bomfunk MC's performing "Freestyler")
 * The Snob: Great, now I know what Vanilla Ice and Madea's rap collab album would be like.
 * (Cut to the credits)
 * The Snob: And thus ends Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue 2: Illiterate Boogaloo.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: I have to say: What the f*** Hollywood... and PBS Kids! Why did you greenlight this banner into existence, along with that stupid f***ing live tour! You had your popularity with educators across America and the god-damned Monster Jam co-promotion... and Sesame Place! You had enough ways to promote your shows then and there!
 * (Cut to clips from the movie)
 * The Snob: The film only made $42 million at the box office against a $65 million budget, and resulted in the dropping of the PBS Kids Movies banner, with many films that were completed or in production at the time of the banner's death ending up being sent straight-to-video, being unreleased, or even getting cancelled. And surprisingly, this flew straight by both the Razzies and the Stinkers Bad Movie Awards, probably because of how this movie treats them by having the villain's final battle with our supposed heroes start out at a mockbuster version of the former!
 * (Cut to the Snob opening up his DVD copy and taking out a quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: And like with the other movies, the DVD comes with another damn quiz sheet contained within the box!
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Why did Sagwa decide to join Elmo and Theo Lion in Sharing a Story?
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Because having the girl from The Ring pop out of the book and kill them would make this movie short, and why the f*** would she be hanging out in a copy of an Amy Tan book instead of that videotape!
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Why did Richard Quickster decide to steal the books?
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Because Gridlock from that s***ty Ninja Turtles PSA tape about the L.A. transport system was busy preventing people from knowing about Occupy Wall Street?
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Why did Dennis Anderson suggest finding the roots of the words in everyone's respective family culture?
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Because he's Bad to the Bone? (beat) That joke f***ing sucked!
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Why did Nai-Nai help her grandson Dongwa with finding the riddle sheet atop the highest railing in town?
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: They'll reward each other afterwards by banging. Haaaardddd.... Incest bang! Come on, the other movies hint that she's cheating on her husband with her own grandson!
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: Where did they find Richard Quickster?
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: On the set of a porn parody of the Razzies!
 * (Cut to the quiz sheet)
 * The Snob: How do you Share a Story?
 * (Cut back to the Snob putting the quiz sheet back into the DVD case, closing the case, and slipping it back into his jacket sleeve)
 * The Snob: By letting the kids turn off the tape and watch Power Rangers instead. Now that's what I call a quiz.
 * (Cut to Dongwa and Nai-Nai looking at each other)
 * Nai-Nai: I'll help you Dongwa. You're my grandson.
 * (Cut to the Cinema Snob social media accounts' listing)