Fictional Cinema Snob Episodes/Sagwa: The Movie

Transcript

 * The Snob: Hey look, there was a PBS Kids show about China, and they made a movie with the dad of that one background girl from Mac and Me, some Venezuelan singer, and one of the Monster Jam drivers! Oh boy, this gonna be a dozy! Oh, and a revival of that show came out... better review this one! From the creators of E/I content that made your kids want to f*** dragons and talking trains, comes Sagwa: The Movie. Yep, that's about it. And since this film has a lot of music from notable bands and singers, let's hear the tunes that'll help your kids learn a lot about ancient China and friendship!
 * (The Samuel Goldwyn Films logo plays without audio as it does on most prints of the film)
 * The Snob: The best track in the movie, by far! Although this could have played instead of f***ing silence...
 * (The Samuel Goldwyn Films logo plays again with "Disco Duck" playing in the background)
 * The Snob: Way better than silence.
 * (The logos for PBS Kids Movies, Sesame Workshop, Cuckoo's Nest Studio, CinéGroupe, INCAA, China Film Group Corporation, Changchun Film Group Corporation, and Mandarin Films Distribution Co. Ltd. play in rapid succession)
 * The Snob: Also there's a bunch of other companies: including Public Pearl Pictures, Propane Accident Productions, Bird on Film Studios, the producers of Tripping the Rift, Hey U.K. Give Us Back the Malvinas God Damn It Enterprises, and some Chinese companies, look, let's get onto the movie.
 * (The musical number from The Living Legend - Bigfoot 4x4x4 plays briefly before the Snob cuts it off)
 * The Snob: Wait, no, this is supposed to be a kids film starring monster truck drivers, not one starring the trucks they drive!
 * (Cut to the opening credits)
 * The Snob: I like it how Joaquin Phoenix and Mako are the first to be listed, and the titular character goes last. The film was directed by Devo bassist and on-again-off-again music video director Gerald Casale, with assistance from Thomas Yaseen, a pseudonym for SpongeBob SquarePants animation director Tom Yasumi.
 * (We see Jason racing from his home to his school and encountering Budge and Smudge)
 * The Snob: Our "main character" is Jason, played by some Filipino television drama child actor and overdubbed by SpongeBob, who lives in Buenos Aires-err I mean "Quad City". And why the hell is his house so futuristic, while his school isn't? His bullies are Budge and Smudge, who sound like bad gimmicky soda brands from the 1980's, and of whom are played by Timothy from that Timothy Goes to School thing and Little Fox Mulder from one of The X-Files movies.
 * (Cut to the film)
 * Budge: Hey kid, want a swirlie, or not?
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Why are the bullies so obviously bullies in the city of This Ain't Harlem, A Triple X City Parody?
 * (Cut to the film)
 * Jason: No thanks.
 * Smudge: Do ya really wanna?
 * (Budge and Smudge hi-five and say "Yeah")
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: And then they f***.
 * (Cut to the film)
 * The Snob: Jason lives with his father Kenny, played by Joaquin Phoenix, and his mom Mei, played by some Hong Kong chick, plus his sister Janice, played by Ming-Na Wen. Who the f*** was holding Joaquin and Ming-Na's families hostage, and had their appearances in this film made the ransom demand?
 * Mei: Jason, wonder why Oogway is such a weirdo? He thinks he knows of a magical land where he becomes a talking tortoise!
 * Jason: He's not weird Janice.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Wow, this is the weirdest foreplay to incest I've seen, and I've seen a Planet of the Apes porno spoof that was just one big dance number with rapping and bad jokes thrown in!
 * (Cut to the film)
 * The Snob: We then visit Sagwa's world, where the titular character finally appears!
 * Sagwa: Come on Dongwa!
 * Dongwa: I'm not that slow!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: You're not Dongwa, you're Dennis!
 * (Cut to the film)
 * The Snob: And what the f*** is Mr. Fantastic from that one Fantastic Four cartoon doing here?
 * The Foolish Magistrate: What a lovely day here in China!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: No it isn't, there's smog in the air, and if you breath it too much, you'll die!