Fictional Cinema Snob episodes/Stellaluna

Transcript

 * The Snob: If you thought I was done reviewing all 5-something Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat movies, you're incorrect. I'm doing an unofficial installment! And no, it's not a porn parody or a foreign knockoff... it's something very similar based off another piece of 90's kids literature.
 * (Cut to clips from Stellaluna)
 * The Snob: Stellaluna was based off the book of the same name by author Janell Cannon, and it's 2004 direct-to-video movie adaptation appears to have been made to do Sagwa things without featuring the three Miao kittens. The titular bat appears to be the Chinese Siamese Cat herself, her adoptive family consists of Mama Miao as a bat alongside Dongwas 1 and 2 and a half-Dongwa half-Sheegwa abomination, and her best friend is Fu-Fu as a spider. And that's where the Sagwa similarities end, and the crazy sh** begins!
 * (Cut back to the Snob who takes out his DVD copy of the film)
 * The Snob: And one of those pieces of crazy sh**, is the fact that I paid for this!
 * (Cut to the back of the DVD)
 * The Snob: "Award Winning DVD", for having a Parents' Choice Recommended Award and the Newport Beach Film Festival Outstanding Achievement in Family Entertainment? The next logical step is to have a 5 out of 5 from the f***ing Dove Foundation!
 * (Cut back to the Snob holding the DVD)
 * The Snob: And this all appears to be simplier than writing "THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" on the back of the box! (he tosses the DVD offscreen) And listen to the jingles on the opening logos!
 * (Cut to the Tundra Productions and Scholastic logos, which play without sound)
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Fitting. They knew this film sucks. But this could have played instead!
 * (Cut to the Tundra and Scholastic logos again, which play this time with "I Hate Music" by the Shredder playing)
 * The Shredder: I HATE MUSIC AND YOU HEARD IT FIRST, I LOVE IT WHEN THE BAND NEVER REHEARSED, I HATE MUSIC! I THINK IT'S THE WORST!
 * The Snob: There. That's way more fitting than silence.
 * (Cut to the opening shot of the film and the title)
 * The Snob: If you were wondering what was going on elsewhere in the Amazon during the events of Cannibal Holocaust, you're a very questionable person! Oh... and your wish has been granted... by Doraemon!
 * (Cut to a forest pan shot)
 * Narrator: In a warm and sultry forest... far far away...
 * The Snob (imitating the narrator): A family of cats learn while they- oh wait, wrong book-to-the-small-screen adaptation. I forgot this is basically bat Sagwa.
 * (Cut to the bats taking off)
 * The Snob: We see a family of fruit bats escaping the set of an Amazon cannibal movie that seems to be going on simultaneously.
 * (Cut to Mother Bat carrying Stellaluna)
 * Narrator: Each night, Mother Bat would carry Stellaluna, clutched to her breast...
 * The Snob (imitating the narrator): She'd sexually service her mom since her dad was killed by the filmmakers from Cannibal Holocaust.
 * Mother Bat: Stellaluna.
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Thanks for the title drop there, Fu-Fu's weird cousin. Or maybe they're related to Batly... or Batty Koda. Could be worse, they could be cousins of Ickis!
 * (Cut to the white owl attacking the flying bats)
 * The Snob: Oh, and these bats are members of the Warrior Cats-inspired group of bats named "That-Escalated-Quickly Clan".
 * (Cut to a monkey chattering)
 * (Wabuu is edited in and he pops up)
 * Phelous (as Wabuu): Shut up stupid monkey!
 * (Cut to Stellaluna falling through the forest)
 * The Snob: And then Stellaluna tried to commit suicide... but sadly, she failed. It should have just cut to the credits when she was falling, so it'd would at least look like she died.
 * (Cut to Stellaluna waking up)
 * Birds in the background: More! Please! Mommy! Stop! I want some! Please?
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: Meanwhile, in another movie about birds.
 * (Cut to Mother Bird)
 * Mother Bird: Don't worry, children! I'll be right back with more food!
 * (Cut back to the Snob)
 * The Snob: And she was never seen again.